Healthy relationships take effort, but are always worth it. In contrast to unhealthy relationships, healthy relationships can improve your wellbeing and overall quality of life. To build a healthy relationship — whether it be with a romantic partner, a family member, a friend, or a coworker — it is easier when you take steps to strengthen the relationship. It is also important that you have the ability to identify unhealthy behaviours and patterns in relationships, and read more here.
What is a Healthy Relationship?
Not every healthy relationship looks the same, but a good indicator of a healthy relationship is whether both individuals support and consistently stand by each other, through both the good times and the bad. Healthy relationships require both people to practice the values represented in the wheel below:
Self-Care
The best way to set yourself up for a healthy relationship is to first be healthy on an individual level. This includes not only your physical health but also your mental, emotional, social, and spiritual well-being. For this to happen, your relationship should not detract from the things that make you you. You might be dedicating too much time and energy to your relationship if it is interfering with your ability to:
- Build and maintain relationships with others (other friendships, family, etc.)
- Enjoy hobbies, interests, and pastimes
- Make time for yourself
- Work on your personal goals (e.g. career, financial, health and fitness goals, etc.)
Making these efforts for yourself can help you reflect on, and understand what you need plus want from your relationships with others. In turn, self-care can empower you to make better decisions and take more thoughtful actions within those relationships. It is important to remember that self-care isn’t just about face masks or retail therapy; rather, it involves activities that help you feel energized, restored, and de-stressed. For example, self-care might look like preparing a nourishing meal, exercising, or setting boundaries in your work or study life to prevent stress.
Healthy Intimacy
Beyond making time for yourself and the things you enjoy, reflecting on the intimacy in your relationship can also be helpful. Intimacy can be categorized into six parts:
- Physical: Includes anything from holding hands to intercourse.
- Verbal: Practicing openness and honesty, as well as feeling comfortable sharing, listening, and learning from each other.
- Emotional: A mutual sense of genuine and strong positive feelings towards each other.
- Social: Spending quality time together, sharing genuine interests, and being playful/having fun together
- Spiritual: While you don’t have to share the exact same values as your partner —understanding, listening to, and respecting their values (and having them do the same for you) is vital in establishing a strong connection.
- Commitment: Trusting that your partner always has your best interests at heart, and vice versa.
While sex isn't always the foundation for a healthy romantic relationship, healthy intimacy in all these forms is crucial. If you feel that you lack some of these types of intimacy in your relationship, it doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is unhealthy. Instead, it may indicate that you should reflect on your relationship and consider how you could work towards healthier intimacy over time. However, if healthy intimacy is never achieved, the relationship may not be worth pursuing, as it could cause more harm than good in the long run.
Maintaining Your Individuality
Another important consideration when preparing for a relationship is how your past experiences may influence your current ones. If you’re still emotionally tied to an ex or dealing with unresolved personal issues from previous relationships, you may not be ready for an intimate relationship. It’s essential to believe in your ability to solve your own problems independently. Relying on others to "fix" you can risk diminishing your own strength and sense of power.
Maintaining your individuality is crucial because failing to do so increases the risk of entering unhealthy relationships.
For example, one under-recognized form of relationship violence is financial abuse. This occurs when you lack the financial independence to make decisions and manage your own money. While this is just one type of abuse to be mindful of, it’s particularly significant when building relationships. If you're in an unhealthy situation, you may feel trapped if your finances are tied to the relationship. Although managing your money can be challenging, having your own savings (separate from shared savings) is a good place to start.
Communication
Positive communication contributes to feelings of safety and happiness. Positive communication means:
- Being honest — Tell your partner how you actually feel and what you need, don’t make them guess.
- Listening — Be mindful of your partner's feelings and needs, while keeping in mind that these might not be communicated verbally but through nonverbal body language.
Honesty and listening, like every good thing, requires effort. This means that it won’t be easy to do at all times, but if you establish positive behaviours early on, they will become more natural and easier to rely on when things get tough.
Another element of healthy communication is being able to deal with conflict. This is something you need to be able to do both as an individual and with your partner. Both you and your partner will make a mistake at some point, whether it be major or minor. If you are dishonest or you don’t listen to your partner's needs, you won’t have a strong relationship foundation, making it less likely to withstand tough times. Remember — a disagreement doesn’t have to escalate into a fight if you make the effort. Here are some quick tips for communicating with your partner if you’re having a disagreement:
- Have a respectful and honest discussion to find solutions that work for both of you — It is important to share what you want and need in the relationship clearly and honestly, so that you can understand and accept both your differences and similarities, leading to a compromise that strengthens your connection.
- Be empathetic (not just sympathetic): Don’t just listen to your partner — try to put yourself in their shoes. Consider their values, experiences, and state of mind to truly understand their perspective.
- Remain affectionate and fair — Expressing how you feel with "I" statements (without resorting to personal attacks) keeps the focus on the issue(s) and can go a long way in strengthening your bond, making both of you feel valued.
- Ensure your partner is listening to you: If they aren’t, explain why it’s important to you that they make more of an effort. This can help them become more empathetic and engage in active listening.
- Treat them how you would want to be treated: Don’t interrupt each other. When you’re done speaking, fully attend to what your partner has said, and vice versa.
- Apologize when you make a mistake: If your actions have upset and/or hurt your partner, acknowledge it and apologize sincerely.
- Accept genuine apologies: If you’re still upset, express that so your partner knows the issue isn’t resolved in your mind. If your partner repeatedly makes the same mistake and apologizes, their apologies may lack sincerity, as actions speak louder than words.
If you feel that you and your partner are ready for the next steps, it can also be helpful to plan your future together. Planning as a team allows you to work together as you navigate life’s challenges, both within your relationship and outside of it. Remember, there’s no ‘I’ in the team, but there is an ‘I’ in the relationship — so it’s important to value both your feelings and your partner’s, as individuals and as a pair. Ups and downs in your relationship are inevitable, yet how you navigate them together can be the defining factor of the strength and longevity of your bond.
