Attachment Styles & Romantic Relationships

What is Attachment?

A person's behavior with their romantic partners is influenced by a range of factors, including personality and overall well being. This article will focus on attachment styles and how they impact romantic relationships.

In psychology, attachment refers to the emotional bond formed between an infant and their caregiver. It is understood that an adult’s attachment style is shaped by their childhood attachment experiences. While early childhood experiences play a role in shaping attachment styles, they do not entirely determine how a person will behave in adult relationships. 

Key takeaways:

• A person with an insecure attachment in childhood may still form healthy adult relationships.
• Likewise, someone with a secure childhood attachment is not guaranteed to have healthy romantic relationships.
• Attachment is just one piece of a person's psychological makeup – romantic behaviours are influenced by many complex factors.

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Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships 

Romantic relationships can be complex, but understanding your attachment style can help you and your partner better understand each other. Attachment styles are typically understood through two dimensions: anxiety and avoidance.

The above diagram demonstrates how levels of avoidance and anxiety interact to determine attachment styles. Secure attachment, characterized by low anxiety and low avoidance (top left corner), is considered the healthy attachment style. You may find different names for the attachment styles through many sources, but the four types tend to express themselves in the following ways in romantic relationships:

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Any type of attachment which isn’t secure would be considered an insecure attachment style. It is important to remember that experiencing some of the problems which result from insecure attachment — such as those listed in boxes 2, 3 & 4 — does not necessarily mean you have insecure attachment. However, they are unhealthy behaviours, and should be addressed, regardless of whether your relationship is tracking smoothly or not.

Talking to mental health professionals such as psychologists or psychiatrists can be helpful in understanding why you have developed the attachment style you have. These experts can also help you implement practical strategies to overcome your attachment issues and develop a secure attachment style. This will not only improve your romantic relationships, but also improve your ability to form rich and fulfilling connections with friends, family, and coworkers. In fact, people with secure attachment styles are more likely to be compassionate and caring people.

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If you believe you may have an insecure attachment style and are ready to work through it, it's important to remember that your past experiences do not define you. While you may have an insecure attachment style now, you have the ability to develop a healthier attachment style and build healthier relationships.

Here are some steps you can take to develop a more secure attachment style:

1. Be open to new relationships, whether they be romantic, friendly, or professional
   • People with insecure attachment styles can develop secure attachment through ‘earned security’. By forming healthy, secure relationships, individuals can establish a healthier type of attachment.
   • People who transition from insecure attachment to ‘earned security’ attachment are able to coherently describe past challenges they have had, making it easier to understand and address negative life experiences.
     • Consider your ability to understand your negative life experiences as a ‘marker’ of your progress: the closer you move towards earned security, the better you will be able to reconcile with your past.

2. Maintain open communication with your current partner
   • Verbal (explain your feelings and listen to your partner when they explain theirs)
   • Non-verbal (e.g., eye contact, consensual physical contact, body movements, as well as the pitch, tone and volume of voice)
   • Be open about the steps you are taking to improve yourself
   • Open, honest and healthy communication thrives when stress is well-managed, both individually and collaboratively with your partner as a team.
     • Stress can cloud judgment, causing misunderstandings or impulsive reactions that may harm or debilitate the bond with your romantic partner. By learning to manage stress effectively and returning to a calm state when faced with challenges or disagreement, you can avoid unnecessary conflict, prevent regretful/hurtful actions, and even help de-escalate situations when emotions run high.
   • Continuously communicate with your partner about your relationship, your boundaries, and where you want the relationship to go:
     • This can be daunting, especially if you are young and unsure of how your futures may align; however, being open does not mean you have to make definite plans.
     • Communication does not mean problems will be solved in one conversation. Rather, it means you and your partner can continuously work together towards success in addressing challenges as a team.

3. Form romantic relationships with people who have secure attachment styles
   • You will find it easier to build healthy relationships with other people who have secure attachment styles, regardless of your own attachment style.
   • People who have a secure attachment style play a crucial role in fostering your Emotional intelligence (EQ). They would not only provide a stable and supportive environment, but also assist you in identifying and adopting new healthier behavioral patterns.
     • By honing your emotional intelligence, you not only strengthen your connection with your partner, but also gain better control over yourself and your social awareness. This allows you to express your needs, feelings, expectations and boundaries more effectively, while also learning to better understand your partner's 
     • If you are already in a relationship with someone who has an insecure attachment style, consider couples therapy or discuss having your partner see a psychologist or psychiatrist so they can work through their issues.
     • This may be an awkward conversation, but consider these steps a preventive measure: the healthier you are now, the healthier the relationship will become.

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These tips can help you develop a more secure attachment style, but they will not be effective if you do not commit to addressing the issues that contributed to the development of your insecure attachment style. Try to adopt a growth mindset as you work toward self-improvement, whether you choose to do so on your own or with your romantic partner. Remember — healing from an insecure attachment style and personal growth take time, but every step you take towards understanding yourself and your relationships is meaningful progress!