It can be difficult to watch a friend struggle in a romantic relationship, whether due to normal relationship challenges or unhealthy and abusive behaviours. When someone you care about is in an unhealthy relationship, you may want to help them get out of that relationship. However, when you are not a part of that unhealthy relationship, it can be hard to know whether you have the right to get involved. Sometimes people in unhealthy relationships can find it difficult to exit the unhealthy situation.
If your friend is in a concerning situation, there are ways to offer support without putting yourself or them at risk.
Identifying an Unhealthy Relationship
To help you identify whether a relationship is unhealthy, look out for some of these common signs:
- Your friend’s partner speaks down to them, such as saying they look bad or are dumb
- Your friend’s partner has excessive control over where they are and who they spend time with
- Your friend's partner constantly checks their phone to see who they’ve been talking to, or maybe even monitors what they’ve been spending money or time on.
Your friend or their partner may make excuses for these behaviors or try to hide them when around you or others. However, if you notice this happening repeatedly, it could indicate that the relationship is unhealthy, unsafe, and potentially even abusive. While these behaviours may not always involve physical violence, emotional, mental, and financial abuse can be just as harmful. If you suspect your friend is in an unhealthy relationship, refer to this article.
Starting the conversation
The best way you can help your friend is to establish yourself as a safe and supportive person who is willing to listen.
To start the conversation, make sure you:
- Express your genuine concern
- List the unhealthy behaviours you’ve noticed and name them as concerning, unhealthy or abusive
- Prepare for defensiveness – many people in unhealthy relationships may try to justify their partner’s actions or become defensive.
- Try to work against their negative thoughts — remind them of their worth, their goals, and that they deserve happiness and safety in a good and healthy relationship
- Help your friend make a safety plan, especially if they are planning on leaving the relationship, since the worst domestic violence tends to occur when a partner tries to leave the relationship and in the 12 months after they have left. Some suggestions for the safety plan are:
- Have your friend tell their neighbours about the situation so they can call the police or an emergency contact person if they hear any violence
- Have a safe place for your friend to escape to, such as a shelter or your home
- Have emergency contacts set up on their phone: taxi services, crisis centres, local police number, emergency medical services,, as well as the numbers of friends and family
- If possible, make sure they have a spare phone with prepaid credit
- Help them pack an escape bag containing essential personal items, important documents (or photocopies of them), and/or any evidence of things that have happened.
- Develop an escape plan so they can quickly exit any dangerous situations
- Help them find local domestic violence services online — try to do this on your own browser and/or mobile phone in case your friend’s partner is monitoring their internet usage, phone bills or call logs.
Protecting your own well-being
Most importantly, as their friend, your first goal should be to make them feel supported and that they have a safe person to talk to. It is also important to keep in mind that it is not your responsibility to completely fix their situation. All you can do is be there for your friend and try your best to help them. Sometimes this will be enough to change things, but sometimes it won’t, — and that does not mean that their unhealthy relationship is your fault. By helping your friend, you are putting yourself at risk of secondary trauma. Secondary trauma refers to the mental and emotional stress you may experience from hearing about or vicariously experiencing your friends' relationship. Avoid the negative impacts of secondary trauma by practicing self care, such as the following:
- Take time for yourself to recharge
- Set boundaries on what details you can listen to and what you are willing to help with
- Regularly let your friend know you care and you are there to support them for the long term, but still remind yourself that you cannot save or “fix” a person — the decision to leave or stay in the relationship is ultimately theirs
Continuing the Conversation
Even if your friend doesn’t respond to help right away, your support still matters. Research shows that on average, victims attempt to leave their abuser seven times before they succeed.
Your conversations should be supportive, not judgemental. Avoid saying things that may push them away or make them feel ashamed or isolated.
Prioritising Safety – For both you and your friend
Throughout your conversations, non-judgemental listening is key. Even if your friend isn’t ready to leave, offering a safe space for them to talk can mentally detach them from the situation and help them feel less alone.
To protect both you and your friend, follow these dos and don’ts:
