Unhealthy family relationships can have a big negative impact on those involved, which is why it is important to take steps to address them. If you feel that your family relationships are affected by unhealthy behaviours or conflict patterns, there are steps you can take to improve these connections.
Evaluating Your Values and Beliefs within Your Family
The behaviors and beliefs instilled by your parents or caregivers are not obligatory. You have the power to adjust these in alignment with your personal values. To examine how your family dynamics may be affecting these values, try listing all the beliefs and behaviors you wish to change, alongside the alternatives you would like to adopt. Working toward these desired beliefs and behaviors can be a healthy step in establishing your individuality.
Becoming independent is part of growing up, but parents may not always accept this change. They might perceive this development of individuality as a threat to the family structure they have established. Developing a personal identity is essential, but it can also lead to conflicts within the family. Therefore, it is important to address these conflicts with your family members in a healthy and constructive manner.
Understanding your Family Dynamic
To avoid conflict while building your own identity, it is important that you maintain respect for the beliefs and values held by your parents, while engaging in open and respectful conversations. Additionally, identifying your typical role within the family dynamic can be helpful. One way to understand this dynamic is through the ‘drama triangle’. The drama triangle describes the roles people take on in the relationships: the victim, rescuer, and persecutor.
- Victims – Tend to be blamed by persecutors and assisted by rescuers. Victims are dependent upon the rescuer and/or persecutor for attention to fulfill their egoic need.
- Persecutors – Typically hypercritical and hostile. Persecutors fulfill their egoic needs by bullying the victim, which enables them to avoid their own feelings.
- Rescuers – they have a need to help others. Rescuers fulfill their egoic need by being viewed positively by the victim, which again allows them to avoid their own feelings.
Though people tend to take on one of these roles within a family dynamic, the roles can shift easily. For example, the rescuer may blame the persecutor for their negative behaviours, resulting in the rescuer becoming the persecutor and the original persecutor becoming the victim.
In a situation where, for example, the mother (the rescuer) accuses the father (the persecutor) of yelling at the child (the victim), the mother's role shifts from rescuer to persecutor, while the father's shifts from persecutor to victim. In such scenarios, the child may end up feeling neglected and unsafe. Taking on these roles is often linked with negative emotions, as well as worse mental health and wellbeing.
An effective way to exit such an unhealthy situation as the drama triangle, or any unhealthy interpersonal relationship, is to reflect upon your contribution to the dynamic within your family.
- Recognising your role and acknowledging your feelings is the first step in exiting this dynamic and building healthier familial relationships.
- Establishing boundaries for yourself and respecting the boundaries of others can be an effective way to avoid unhealthy conflict.
- While doing these, keep in mind that you can only control yourself and you are not in control of other family members.
- Remember that striving for perfection is unrealistic; instead, the focus should be on building a healthy and flourishing family relationship.
Managing Conflict
Regardless of your efforts to establish healthy familial relationships, conflict may occur, whether it be due to different opinions, culture clashes, or even language barriers. However, there are ways to manage these difficult situations:
- Consider their perspective and listen – If you can demonstrate that you’re listening to them, your family is more likely to listen to you. When you listen to the other family members, make the effort to consider their values and experiences in order to better understand their perspectives.
- Practice curiosity – Even if you don’t agree with all of your parent’s behaviours and beliefs, being open-minded and learning about their values can help you understand them as individuals and develop deeper family bonds.
- Focus on your similarities – Focusing on shared goals, values, and common grounds are a great way to focus upon positives, rather than negatives, which in turn can improve the family’s wellbeing.
Overall, overcoming unhealthy family relationships can require time and significant effort. Don’t be discouraged if you have not yet noticed any changes in the family dynamic, as it is impossible to solve every issue in a single conversation. If you feel comfortable, consider sharing your feelings with a friend or someone you trust to help clear your mind and work through your emotions.
Please remember – healing is a gradual process, and small, consistent efforts can lead to meaningful improvements in your family relationships over time.
