As social beings, human connection is essential for everyone. However, this doesn’t mean you need to keep every friendship, especially if it’s unhealthy. Sometimes the people you value most or have known for the longest might hold you back instead of helping you grow. Holding onto relationships that don’t support your growth can create more issues or stress than benefits. That’s why it’s important to recognise and address unhealthy friendships.
Identifying Unhealthy Friendships
It's unlikely that you and your friend will have exactly the same values, but all healthy friendships should meet certain basic standards. If you think a friendship might be toxic – because of your behaviour, theirs, or both – ask yourself these questions:
- Do I trust and confide in my friends, and am I trustworthy in return?
- Do I accept my friend for who they are (including their flaws), and do they accept me in return?*
- Do I provide emotional support to my friend, and do they provide it in return?
- Is there a strong imbalance in the amount of favours or efforts we do for each other?
- Do I feel comfortable with defending myself in front of my friend, and would they be able to defend themselves around me?
- Do one or both of us criticise the other regularly?
- Are one or both of us jealous of the other person?
- Are you both open to befriending each other's friends?
- Are you both willing to support each other when in need?
- Do you both provide joy to one another?
- Do I feel drained or exhausted after each time spent with this friend?
- Do I feel comforted, energized and uplifted after each time spent with this friend?
- Do we address conflicts openly and respectfully to find solutions/a compromise that strengthen our relationship and help us understand each other better?
- Do we tend to avoid difficult conversations and disregard each other's boundaries?
- Are you both willing to grow and change by learning from your experiences together and supporting each other's personal growth along the way?
Before you continue reading, take a moment to reflect on your relationship with your friend and write down your answers to each question. Ideal responses will be provided at the end of the article.
If your answers differ, it doesn't mean you have to end the friendship. Instead, use this as an opportunity to think about why your friendships might be missing certain qualities and how you can improve it.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Defining what a healthy friendship looks like to you is crucial for managing relationships effectively. Regardless of your current friendships, take time to consider what is most important to you. A healthy friendship is built on mutual understanding and respect for each other's boundaries, which can include small things like being punctual or more significant matters like respecting personal privacy.
Being clear about your expectations helps your friends understand what you value and anticipate from them. For example, if a friend is often late, it’s fair to express the maximum amount of time you’re willing to wait. Similarly, when it comes to sharing private information, it’s reasonable to expect that certain details remain confidential between the two of you. If a friend crosses a boundary, they might not see their behavior as problematic or having a negative impact, but that doesn't mean you should overlook it. Ultimately, defining your own expectations and boundaries will help you identify and address situations where friends do not respect or have neglected your needs.
In both cases mentioned earlier, it's fair to uphold your boundaries. However, it's not your responsibility to "fix" someone who disregards them. Your role is to communicate your needs clearly and respect the boundaries your friend sets in return. If a friend crosses a boundary, it can be helpful to let them know so they understand and can avoid repeating that mistake in the future. Practicing forgiveness and giving each other grace can also help rebuild trust, helping all of you learn to grow, adapt, and strengthen your bond over time.
When opening this dialogue, it's important to keep in mind the value highlighted in the second question of the questionnaire* — accepting your friend as they are, including their flaws. The process of resolving conflict or a disagreement can be clouded or complicated when approached through the lens of assumed judgment (i.e., inaccurate or skewed interpretations of your friend's actions and/or intentions). Instead of criticizing when a mistake is made, focus on communicating your boundary, whether it’s an existing one or something you’ve established due to a difficult situation. More often than not, the issue stems from a misunderstanding or mistake, not that your friend is intentionally being hurtful or a “bad” friend. Therefore, it is essential to communicate your boundaries clearly and regularly, as others may not be aware of them or may forget unless you reinforce them — after all, no one can read your mind.
Addressing Unhealthy Friendships
Some experts argue that there’s no such thing as a "toxic friendship," suggesting that people are rarely toxic by nature and are unlikely to be toxic to everyone. This perspective can be helpful when reflecting on your friendships, as it serves as a reminder that your friend is also a human.
Addressing issues in a friendship doesn’t always lead to immediate change. Some habits or behaviours might take time to improve. Reflect on what changes you need, how important those changes are, and set realistic expectations. Even if friendships don't change right away, that doesn’t mean it has to end.
Communicating in Unhealthy Friendships
If you want to improve a friendship that has become unhealthy, maintaining healthy communication is essential. Healthy communication requires both parties to practice:
1. Active Listening - genuinely listening to and understanding the other person’s words and feelings without judgment.
2. Reflective Listening - involves making meaningful interjections in a conversation to develop or affirm your understanding of what has been communicated.
3. Personal Insight - involves practicing mindfulness in your friendships by being aware of the situation and being able to address choices, actions, and their consequences.
Whether you need to apologise to a friend for your own behavior, are expecting an apology from them, or both need to apologise, using active and reflective listening — along with personal insight — can be extremely helpful. Remember, apologies are the beginning of improving a friendship, not the end. Forgiveness allows everyone to heal, rebuild trust, and move forward with a stronger, healthier connection. A healthy friendship requires ongoing effort to avoid unhealthy or damaging behaviors and to maintain positive communication.
Ideal Answers to Questionnaire
- Yes
- Yes
- Yes
- No
- Yes
- No
- No
- Yes
- Yes
- Yes
- No
- Yes
- Yes
- No
