Making Friends

Humans are naturally wired for social connections. Like physical pain, social pain and feeling lonely serves as a signal to protect us from the risks of isolation. While the threat of physical harm from being alone may no longer apply in today’s society, the impact of loneliness is still significant. Loneliness can affect anyone, even those with strong support networks and genuine relationships. No matter how good your current friendships are, being able to make new friends is important, especially when starting new chapters in life. For example, a study on first-year university students found that those who made good-quality new friends adjusted better to university life compared to those who didn’t form as many or had less meaningful connections.

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Where to Meet New Friends

1. High school or university clubs – Even if no club directly aligns with your interests, trying something new can boost your wellbeing. Engaging in new challenges and activities can trigger changes in the chemical, structural, and functional aspects of your brain, making it stronger and more connected.
2. Team sports
3. Through friends and family you already have
4. Work
5. Online – When meeting someone you've only interacted with online, prioritize safety by:
   • Video calling beforehand to verify that they are who they claim to be.
   • Informing someone you trust about where you're going and who you're meeting.
   • Meeting in a public place.
   • Trusting your instincts and removing yourself from the situation if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe at any point. Your safety and well-being should always be your top priority,  even if it will be awkward or disappointing.
   • Organizing your own transport and having a backup option in case you need to leave early.

6. Volunteering
7. Community events – Such as sporting events, art exhibitions, festivals, markets, and classes.

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How to Engage and Build New Friendships

1. Focus on the other person
   Instead of talking endlessly about yourself, take time to ask the other person about their interests.
2. Avoid distractions – Try not to be on your phone or multitask when spending time with a friend, as this can come across as rude and hinder the development of your connection. If you don’t genuinely care about the other person’s interests, don’t force friendship for the sake of social connection. If you don’t share common ground or interest in their life, it’s unlikely to be a meaningful friendship.
3. Reflect on whether they’re interested in forming a friendship with you
   You don’t need to ask directly if someone wants to be your friend, but you can gauge their interest through their behavior. Just as you should inquire about others’ lives, they should show interest in yours. If someone isn’t asking about you or the things you do, it could signal that they aren’t interested in forming a friendship at that time.
4. Avoid setting too many rules or expectations for your friendship. Instead, let it unfold organically, as you and your friend navigate your unique dynamic. Remember that your friendship will likely evolve in ways you might have not anticipated, reflective of your individual personalities and shared experiences.
5. You’re not going to make friends with everyone you meet, even if you like them, and vice versa. Putting yourself out there to make new friends can be daunting, especially if you have experienced betrayal, trauma, or abuse in the past and/or struggle with an insecure attachment style. Remember, rejection is not a reflection of your worth but rather a sign of compatibility — or the lack of it. Try not to take it personally, and instead focus on nurturing connections where genuine and positive rapport naturally develops.

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Addressing your Own Reservations

If you consider yourself shy or often experience social anxiety, making new friends is still possible. Two strategies that can help address the thoughts and behaviors that may hold you back are mindfulness and self-acceptance.

Mindfulness - This goes beyond meditation; it involves being fully aware of your feelings and the internal and external factors that influence them. You can practice mindfulness by:

• Focusing on what you find interesting during a conversation - rather than judging the behaviours of yourself or others, focus on the discussion or activity at hand
• If you notice your focus drifting or negative thoughts arising about a social interaction, you don’t need to completely shut them down. Instead, treat them as background noise and try to approach the interaction with curiosity.

Self-Acceptance - by adopting a non-judgmental attitude towards yourself and others, you can reduce negative thinking patterns related to social interactions.

• Perceiving yourself as worthless has been found to be a central for people who experience both social anxiety disorder and depression
• Develop a plan to practice self-compassion and restructure the way you perceive yourself:
  • Start by writing down the actions and thoughts that you may ‘hide’ your true self in social situations: this may be your body language, the way you describe yourself to others, or anything that holds you back from perceiving yourself as worthy.
  • Write a list of goals you have for yourself in relation to social interactions: it is important that you assert that you are both worthy and capable of these goals.

Here are some social goals that could help you create a plan for developing self-acceptance:

1. Offer a different opinion: If a conversation touches on a topic you're passionate about, don't feel compelled to back down. Stand by your unique perspective, even if it differs from others’ opinions or experiences.
2. Express preferences: When planning social activities or outings, voice your preferences for destinations or activities. Your input matters, and it's okay to assert your own interests.
3. Discuss values and beliefs: Share your values, attitudes, and beliefs with others. This fosters deeper connections and helps you stay true to yourself.
4. Ask for help: It's okay to seek support whenever you need it. Seeking help does not only demonstrate vulnerability but also builds trust in your relationships.
5. Share stories about yourself: It might feel counterintuitive, especially when building new friendships, but telling stories about yourself — such as your experiences or long-standing interests — can be both engaging and affirming. It helps others understand you better and reinforces your self-image.

Making new friends can feel overwhelming, even for those who seem socially confident. However, forming new connections can introduce fresh passions and opportunities for growth. Remember, you are not alone in this process, and you are worthy of forming meaningful relationships. Be patient with yourself as you build confidence in attracting and fostering new connections over time, and trust that the right people will appreciate you for who you truly are!