Depression affects not only those who are experiencing it, but also those who care for them. When a loved one is struggling with depression, they may find it difficult to maintain meaningful connections – even with the people they love most. As a result, caregivers and friends might feel helpless, disconnected, or unsure of how to support them.
Depression shows up differently for everyone. So naturally, the best ways to connect will vary from person to person. The suggestions in this article are meant to be flexible guidelines and not rigid rules. The most effective way to support someone with depression is to gently ask them what they need and be open to adjusting your approach based on their preferences, comfort level, and emotional state.
What kind of support help the most
These are some of the things people with depression have shared that truly make a difference:
- “Knowing I can call all day or night.”
- “Helping me with structure.”
- “Just listening and listening and listening.”
- “Not pretending to understand or telling their own story over and over.”
- “Checking up on me.”
- “Not getting angry.”
- “Not judging.”
- “Creating times to be together.”
- “Understanding that sometimes I just need to be around someone, but that talking would be too much work.”
- “Understanding that sometimes I can’t stand to be around anyone.”
- “Not letting me feel embarrassed or guilty for being stuck in this place.”
- “Pointing out that it takes a lot of time - you can’t get unstuck overnight.”
- “Understanding that it takes a lot of work and energy, more energy than anything else, even though it’s not visible.”
- “Giving me another picture of hope.”
- “Reminding me of all the good things I have done in my life.”
- “Reminding me of what a good friend I have been.”
- “Loving me, and saying so.”
- “Asking me if there’s a way I want to be pushed or pulled into doing something. Asking me to let you know when I’m ready for that and then following through.”
- “Helping me reconnect; doing it with me to get me started.”
- "Letting me know you're there for me, even if I’m not ready to talk or take small steps forward just yet."
- "Giving me space to heal and progress at my own pace, while gently encouraging me not to feel overwhelmed or pressured to rush."
What hurts and sets me back
On the other hand, here’s what people with depression say makes things worse == even if it’s well-intentioned:
- "Minimizing my feelings and experiences by saying others have it worse, or that I should 'get over it' by being grateful for what I have and focusing on the positives instead."
- "Making me feel guilty for how my depression affects other people, as if I’m doing it on purpose or I have control over it."
- "Making me feel like a burden for needing extra support and understanding."
- “People insisting I do something I’m not ready to do.”
- “People get angry when I can't or won’t follow their advice.”
- “Constantly talking to me about depression or asking questions about it regardless of whether I want to discuss it or not. Sometimes it helps to talk about something else.”
- “Treating me like a stubborn child.”
- “Believing I’m just lazy.”
- “Telling me to snap out of it.”
- “Telling me if I decide to be happy, I will be.”
- “Disappearing from my life.”
- “Not respecting my privacy.”
- “Not calling when they said they would. Sometimes the only way I get through the days is by knowing that a call will be there at the end of them.”
What can I say
Starting a conversation with someone experiencing depression can feel daunting, but it doesn’t need to be perfect to be meaningful. What matters most is showing up with compassion, patience, and a willingness to listen without pressure. Below are some simple ways to open the conversation, while allowing your loved one to take the lead.
1. Start with a gentle question
For someone with depression, talking can feel like a big task. They may not open up right away, and that’s okay. Starting light, without overwhelming them, can be a helpful way in.
- “Do you want to talk?”
- “Do you feel like talking? We could talk about it or we could talk about other things. Whatever you want.”
- “Do you want to talk about it? Or we could just go do stuff, if you like. What would you prefer?”
Give them space. Be okay with silence. Just your presence and patience can mean a lot.
2. Offer options instead of questions
Sometimes being asked a question is too much. Give them the opportunity to tell or not to tell their stories by making statements instead of asking.
- “We could talk or not talk. Talk about how you’re feeling or talk about something else.”
- “We could go somewhere, or we could sit here together.”
3. Let them take the lead
Let them guide what they need – and be open to their response, whatever it may be.
- “I don’t know whether you want me to push you into doing something today or not. You tell me.”
4. Treat them with respect
If they don’t want to talk, don’t push too hard. By respecting their decision, it will empower them to trust their own decisions and build self-confidence towards recovery.
Do’s and Don’ts
Avoid saying things that might make them feel dismissed or that their pain isn’t valid.
Comments that compare their struggles to others or minimize what they’re going through can be deeply hurtful. If you’re unsure what to say, it’s okay to simply acknowledge that:
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.”
This honesty is far more comforting than saying something that might unintentionally invalidate their feelings.
Take their emotions seriously.
Acknowledge what they’re feeling without judgement. Show empathy – not expertise. You don’t need to have all the answers, and it’s perfectly okay to sit in silence together.
Often, just being present, listening with compassion, and offering a safe space to be heard is more powerful than trying to fix or solve anything.
What to do
Sometimes, your presence speaks louder than words. Simply being there shows care, patience, and that your time and energy are willingly offered because the person matters to you. It tells them: “You’re not alone.”
Negative gestures to avoid
These actions can unintentionally make someone feel judged, dismissed, or even more isolated:
- Sarcastic, impatient, judgmental tone of voice
- High-pitched voice
- Raised voice (loud voice)
- Rolling your eyes
- Exchanging awkward glances with someone else
- Frowning (unless you are agreeing with them about something)
- Talking to them as if they don’t, or can’t, understand what you say
- Talking to them as if you are petting them on the head, as if they are children
- Distracting and dismissive body language, such as checking your phone frequently or exhaling impatiently or sighing loudly in frustration.
- Frequently interrupting them while they’re speaking to offer unsolicited opinions or advice, or trying to finish their sentences for them.
Positive gestures that help
These non-verbal cues convey warmth, empathy and reassurance:
- A hand on the shoulder
- Leaning toward them instead of away
- Relaxing your body
- Hugs
- Holding hands
- Putting out an arm to hold on to
- An arm around the shoulders or around the waist (depending on how comfortable the individual is with physical touch)
- A smile
- Eye contact
- An air of listening, letting them lead
- Slowing yourself down, no feeling of being rushed
- Gentle nodding to show understanding and validate their thoughts and feelings.
Practical ways to show support
- Help with everyday tasks: clean out a closet, make dinner, pay bills
- Go on an outing: run errands, go shopping, get coffee, exercise
- Give them gifts they can hold; the food you cook, flowers, sweater etc.
- Give them short notes; “You’re brave and beautiful.”, “No one is as caring and kind as you are.”, “You’re brave and beautiful”, etc.
- Prepare a care package with their favorite foods and beverages, self-care items, or other meaningful items that ease their daily routine.
- Offer to have a day of relaxation and pampering or a sleepover together, providing a comforting distraction.
For milder depression, talk and plan things together – ask what they need, and collaborate.
For more severe depression, don’t wait for permission, kindly take initiative to do helpful things, while still respecting their boundaries.
