Supporting a partner with depression can be incredibly challenging. One common experience is what’s known as “depression fallout”. This is a strain in the relationship that arises when one partner’s depression unintentionally takes a toll on the other. This emotional burden can create unhappiness in the relationship, and over time, the non-depressed partner may begin to feel overwhelmed or even consider ending the relationship.
Signs of Depression Fallout
Here are some indicators that depression fallout may be occuring:
- The caregiver frequently attempts to manage or “fix” the depressive partner’s emotional state by constantly assessing their mood and needs
- The depressive partner’s behaviour may shift, leading to frustration or even anger from the other partner, especially if there are frequent outburst or changes in character
- The caregiver begins blaming themselves for the depressive partner’s actions or emotional state, questioning whether they’ve done something wrong or not done enough
- Resentment may develop, especially when the caregiver feels like their efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated.
- The non-depressive partner starts to avoid the other, associating them with emotional distress and this distancing can eventually lead to emotional or physical withdrawal from the relationship.
Self-Care Tips for the Caregiver
While supporting a partner through depression can be difficult, it’s important to remember that relationships can recover from fallout, especially when self-care and communication are prioritised. Here are some practical ways caregivers can support themselves:
- Practicing self-care regularly can help the caregiver to find time to take care of themselves.
Some examples could be:- Spending the day outside when there is nice weather
- Self-gifting with something a little indulgent
- Make a favourite meal and taking the time to enjoy it
- Spending time with close friends, and if possible, going out for a weekend trip.
- Engaging in a hobby or creative activity outside of the relationship, which brings joy and relaxation to boost overall well-being.
- Setting aside time for mindfulness and meditation to recharge both mentally and emotionally
- Set and maintain healthy boundaries.
Here are some tips regarding boundaries:- Feelings of uneasiness and resentfulness suggest that boundaries are being crossed. If so, figuring out the root of the feelings can help with this.
- If abusive language is being used, mention that this is unacceptable, and that this behaviour will not be tolerated.
- Discuss any situations where boundaries have been crossed, because this will act as a reference point and creates a mutual understanding for what can and cannot be accepted.
- Regularly check in with each other to ensure that both partners feel comfortable and respected, and adjust boundaries as needed to consistently maintain a healthy balance.
- Recognize when the depressive partner's behavior is affecting the non-depressive caregiver's mental health and have open conversations about how it impacts them, ensuring both partners understand each other's needs and limitations. It is important to set clear limits on the emotional labor the non-depressive caregiver is able to provide, explaining that while they are there to provide care and support, they also need their own time and space to regularly recharge for their mental and emotional balance.
- Challenge negative thought patterns
Caregiving can expose you to cognitive distortions, which are unhelpful thinking patterns that can reinforce emotional burnout. Keep an eye out for:- Self-blame
Feeling that you are responsible for something that was not entirely your own fault - Use of ‘should’ statements
Setting expectations for yourself consistently, by saying that you ‘should’ have said, done, thought in this manner - Foreseeing the future negatively
Predicting that things will happen only badly in the future, rather than being optimistic about thing
- Self-blame
- Keep communication open
Open and honest communication is a powerful tool. Regularly talking about how each of you is feeling helps both partners feel seen and supported. It also strengthens the sense that you’re navigating challenges together, rather than alone. - Seek your own support
Even though you might not be the one struggling with depression, it’s vital that you look after your own mental health. Whether it’s through talking to a therapist, joining a support group, or confiding in trusted friends. Giving yourself space to process your own emotions is key to maintaining your well being in the relationship.
